The Proven Power of Self-Compassion and How to Cultivate It
“When a woman becomes her own best friend, life is easier.” – Diane von Furstenberg
The single most important personal development tool that will lead you to increased peace, contentment, and yes, success, is self-compassion. Self-compassion is the gateway to self-love, and it allows you to weather life’s storms with a greater sense of steadiness and calm. It is also correlated with increased success and goal achievement.
First, let’s define self-compassion. I like to start with dictionary definitions, but in this case there wasn’t one, so I turned to Wikipedia. Wikipedia defines self-compassion as “extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.” In other words, self-compassion is unconditional love for yourself. It’s being gentle with yourself even when you do something you perceive as being wrong or a failure, or in a moment of inevitable hardship or self-doubt.
The foremost expert in self-compassion is Dr. Kristin Neff, who wrote the book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. I highly recommend reading this book and also checking out her website, self-compassion.org. On her website, Neff defines self-compassion as this: “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings…”
If you’re anything like I was before I understood the power of self-compassion, you probably do not cut yourself much slack when things go badly. In fact, you may be a type-A lawyer like I was and believe that if you’re nice to yourself when things go badly, then you won’t learn from your mistakes or strive for more. You’re probably thinking, “But if I love myself and am content with myself, why would I ever get out of bed or do anything? Wouldn’t this cause me to drop all of my goals and just be content being mediocre.” My answer to you is unequivocally no. Your brain is lying to you. You will still have a drive to succeed and achieve because that’s ingrained in all of us. Self-compassion will actually cause you to take more action on your dreams and meet those goals faster. Why? Because self-compassion gives you resiliency and provides you with the mental power to keep going.
You don’t have to take my word for it that self-compassion will not lead to mediocrity. Just think of the last time something went wrong and you beat yourself up for it. How did you feel after you did that? Did you feel motivated to continue to work hard to achieve your goals, or did you feel terrible, distracted, and low-energy? Have you ever noticed that you’re so much more exhausted after a day of talking to yourself harshly than you are on days you manage to be nice to yourself? Have you noticed that kind thoughts towards yourself actually cause you to feel more motivated? This in itself shows you that self-compassion will propel you towards achievement. Instead of beating yourself up when something goes wrong, self-compassion will allow you to comfort and soothe yourself, and to gear up for the next challenge or goal.
Having self-compassion does not mean that you don’t take an honest look at what went wrong if you made a mistake or failed at something. It just means that when you’re doing so, you don’t beat yourself up. You can be self-reflective while also having compassion for yourself. The two aren’t mutually exclusive and never have been.
Studies show that people who respond to their own setbacks with compassion rather than beating themselves up have better mental and physical health, and they tend to be more resilient. Dr. Kristen Neff stated: “I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.” Neff has written about the “ever-increasing body of research that attests to the motivational power of self-compassion.” And has said that research shows people with self-compassion are “more likely to set new goals for themselves after failure rather than wallowing in feelings of frustration and disappointment.”
Many high-achieving professionals are also proponents of self-compassion, which is further proof that self-compassion actually promotes success instead of hindering it. I started this post with a quote from Diane von Furstenberg because it shows so clearly a woman with self-compassion who undoubtedly achieved enormous success. I’m also a fan of the author Steven Pressfield, who also echoes this sentiment. Pressfield is a huge proponent of hard work, grit, and getting the job done. He wrote for 27 years before he got his first book published. So, it’s telling that he too sees self-compassion as a necessary ingredient to success. In his book, Turning Pro, Pressfield breaks down the difference between being an amateur and being a professional. He writes, “The amateur lacks compassions for himself. In his heart, the amateur knows he’s hiding. He knows he was meant for bigger things. He knows he has turned away from his higher nature. If the amateur had empathy for himself, he could look in the mirror and not hate what he sees. Achieving this compassion is the first powerful step toward moving from being an amateur to being a pro.”
Now I’m going to tell you how you can begin to cultivate more self-compassion. This is by no means an overnight process and it requires conscious work, but I promise you it’s worth it.
1) Practice self-kindness.
This is one of the three elements of self-compassion according to Neff. (The other two are discussed below – common humanity and mindfulness.) Practicing self-kindness is talking to yourself as you would a good friend. Do this all the time, but especially when it’s hardest to do – when you’re going through a hard time, and your inner critic is in full force. In order to stop talking to yourself harshly, you have to first become aware of how it is that you actually are talking to yourself. For some of us, negative self-talk is such an ingrained habit that we don’t even notice we’re doing it or how constant it is. In order to realize the extent of your negative self-talk, you have to cultivate mindfulness (see #5 below).
2) Give yourself a hug, literally.
This sounds strange but if no one else is around to request a hug from, you can give yourself one and it will give you a little shot of happiness because – as Neff points out in her book – giving yourself a hug causes the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone associated with bonding, love, empathy, and trust, and has also been shown to reduce anxiety. And studies also show that self-compassion actually causes the brain to release oxytocin.
3) Practice self-care.
I’m not talking about self-care in the Instagram sense. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against taking hot baths and getting manicures, but there’s a different kind of self-care whose benefits are longer term and more effective. Take time to do things that bring you joy, like sitting quietly by yourself, journaling, meditating, reading, taking walks in nature, and spending time with friends. All of these things have been proven to decrease stress and increase contentment. They are the type of self-care that really works.
4) Common humanity.
This is one of the three ways that Neff defines self-compassion. It means that when something bad happens or you’re feeling particularly down about something, instead of thinking that you’re the only one who has ever experienced this problem, remind yourself that everyone has problems and struggles and that there are many people who have likely experienced the same thing you’re going through. Instead of thinking you’re alone which leads you to feel cut-off from others, reminding yourself of this common humanity leads to feeling more connected with others.
5) Remind yourself that nothing has gone wrong.
Part of the pain of experiencing a failure or tough time in your life is commonly caused by how you’re thinking about the fact that you’re having a tough time. In other words, thoughts like, “This shouldn’t be happening to me,” or “Something has gone wrong,” or “This isn’t the way things should be” or “I should be happy,” actually exasperate the problem or issue you’re experiencing. For instance, if you lose a trial, it would be a lot easier to process the loss and move on if you weren’t heaping onto the disappointment of loss with thoughts like, “This wasn’t supposed to happen.” As Byron Katie says, “When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time.” The more you can accept that life actually isn’t supposed to be perfect, that we’re not actually supposed to be happy all of the time, and that in fact suffering is part of the deal, the less you will resist the suffering that comes with life and the better you will feel.
6) Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness can be defined in many ways but as it relates to self-compassion, the focus of cultivating mindfulness should be on being aware of when you’re suffering. The only way to cultivate mindfulness is to practice it. Make a habit of slowing down, and focusing in on what you’re actually thinking. A great way to do this is through journaling, but sitting quietly in thought also works. If you recognize that you’re suffering, try to feel into those feelings instead of ignoring them. Then ask yourself what you need to feel better. It might be as little as a nap or as much as cutting back your hours to make more time for yourself. Whatever it is, recognize what you need and then actually do it.
7) Remind yourself, as Kristen Neff says: “Love, connection, and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself.”
When you cultivate self-compassion and self-love, you no longer hurt your own feelings by berating yourself or thinking of yourself as unworthy. I promise you that once you manage to cultivate even a little more self-compassion, a great amount of peace will sweep over you. You will become less fragile and more unshakable because you will know that no matter what life throws your way, you will always have your own back and you can always depend on you.